


if only the rain hadn't been so deafening

by Tupipsie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, hyunjin cheated, not for their relationship though, seungjin - Freeform, seungmin is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24694906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tupipsie/pseuds/Tupipsie
Summary: Spring comes, and with it rain. The dread fills Seungmin the minute the first droplet leaves the angry, dark clouds.He didn't expect everything to hurt this much.Or, Hyunjin and Seungmin had a perfect relationship that wasn't very perfect.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Kudos: 39





	if only the rain hadn't been so deafening

**Author's Note:**

> please keep in mind: this is very sad!! it may trigger a lot of memories if you have been cheated on/were in a bad relationship, so proceed with caution.
> 
> i've been wanting to write a really depressing, messy scene for days but didn't know who to do it with. for some reason hyunjin and seungmin seemed like the perfect candidates? at least i'm not tainting their tag, it's already weird and angsty asf. anyways enjoy!!

It was storming out. Nothing uncommon, of course, with spring arriving. The sky poured onto the newly blooming flowers and budding trees, nourishing them and seeping into their roots. They soaked up what the heavens gave them, gorgeous roses and tulips flourishing as the rainy season bled into the year. Winter was just a memory now, the snow long gone, as was the cold weather. A soft breeze that sent a brisk chill down the spine was all that winter’s cold claws left behind, but soon even that would be gone. For some people, storms brought a new beginning; their crops and gardens were watered, and they could relax peacefully in their homes to the sound of the rain pounding against their windowpanes.

For Seungmin, storms brought grief and a feeling of dread creeping through his body as he sat on his couch, folded in on himself. His knees were pressed tightly to his chest, arms supporting them so they didn’t fall off the cushions. The apartment he sat inside of was dark, a single lamp with a soft orange light emitting from it. Dark, angry clouds thundered as they attempted to shatter the windows of Seungmin’s apartment with raindrops, the persistent pattering of the droplets the only thing making sound. His eyes were locked on the door. It was a black door painted with a matte paint, but he had covered it in photos and memorabilia in an attempt to make it feel more homey. Slowly, hesitantly, his eyes traced the people in the photos, their outlines. The scenery. Would he have the guts to rip them apart? The courage? Did he even want to?

Wiping his nose with the sleeve of his sweater, he tried to distract himself from the overwhelming force his body was creating for itself. Anxiety built up in his veins whenever he heard footsteps outside on the stairwell, only to have the sound fade away as the bearer of the feet either entered their apartment or went up another flight of stairs.

Seungmin was never like this. Usually he didn’t care this much; he could usually pull himself away, distance himself easier than this. The rain never sounded this deafening before. Never this oppressive, this silencing. He couldn’t even think correctly without a rumble of thunder interrupting him. He hated feeling as if he was about to be crushed under someone’s thumb, and his wings had been pulled out from his body. Every nerve in his body, every thought in his brain, screamed at him to cry and let it all out but he refused. Those tears would be saved for when he _knew._ For when he had said his piece, made his impact, and had the last laugh. Seungmin wasn’t some flightless insect, and he refused to be diminished to such. But that surge of courage would be gained later, when he most needed it.

For now, the sad, sorry little boy enveloped his body as he forced himself to rip his gaze away from the door and focus on something else. He didn’t even know how long he’d been sitting on the couch, staring, like some animal patiently awaiting its owner’s arrival. It was pathetic, but he didn’t need to admit that to himself. Instead, his mind decided to shift his vision to the city lights outside. The rain blurred the red and orange glow of buildings and traffic lights, causing Seungmin’s vision to go hazy as he rested his head on his knees. His body was so small, so tiny.

As the rain travelled from the sky to the ground bellow, Seungmin finally had the ability to think clearly. Bringing his hand up to his face, his fingers blurring momentarily before his eyes adjusted to the movement, he counted the important dates in his life. He wondered where it all went so, so wrong. Where he went wrong, and what he could’ve done to change. His brain had never felt more suffocating, choking him of all happiness as his tunnel vision caused him to only focus on the bad, bad, _bad_ — Every trip he had planned, every anniversary gift, every dinner made. Late nights out, drunken _I love you’s_ and whispered promises that now left such a foul taste on Seungmin’s lips it made his stomach churn; maybe if he had texted less, not been so prying. People were allowed to have secrets, Seungmin could’ve just _respected_ that. Maybe everything would’ve been so different. But why did it have to hurt so bad?

It was almost numbing, how much it hurt to breathe. His lungs felt like they were filling with dust, decaying away as his body died. Coughing wouldn’t even help get the ashes out. Something in him felt like it had been ripped away, and he was left bleeding for the world to see yet no one stopped to help him. He bled because he loved too much, more than he should have, and he had lost himself in that love. Where did he go from here, and who was he supposed to become? These were questions that the future Seungmin would inevitably have to answer, even if he dreaded it. Who he was in the current moment, the boy staring at the sky that bled just like him, was who he would be until his mind decided he could become someone new, someone better. And he was okay with that. As much as Seungmin hated change, he embraced it fearfully but willingly. Yet somehow, it had always seemed so much easier to do before.

Seungmin didn’t understand why it was so crushing, the current situation he was in. He couldn’t understand why it hurt him so much, and why it just had to be _him_. All his mind could produce was unanswerable questions that lead him down a deeper, darker rabbit hole. Oh, how he wanted to cry. He just wanted to feel what the sky did, what the stormy, furious clouds felt as they released their emotions onto the city below.

All Seungmin wanted was answers and peace.

The rain was too loud to even hear the footsteps at the front of the door, so when the sound of a key entering the keyhole and turning slowly, quietly, alerted Seungmin his worst nightmare was arriving, his full attention was gathered. The door that was covered in printed out memories, smiling faces and happy stories, opened hesitantly as Hyunjin walked in. Seungmin knew right then and there that there was no happy ending in this chapter of his life. It was meant to be a closed book, and that is what he was going to do.

Slowly standing up, sniffling as he wrapped his arms around himself comfortingly, Seungmin stood in front of his boyfriend. All they did was stare at each other, their eyes having a battle of their own. Regret and guilt fought with annoyance and pity in Hyunjin’s eyes, the dark brown glinting every time lightning flashes across the apartment window. Seungmin sucked in a breath every time thunder followed. Shifting on his feet, the taller started,

“I—”

“Don’t you dare say it was a mistake,” the younger bit out, his tone wavering with emotion and bitter sadness. It was broken, yes, but held a confidence that was terrifying. “People don’t make these kinds of mistakes. You did this on purpose. _You_ did this, Hyunjin. If you had stayed out too late without telling me, then that would be a mistake. This isn’t a mistake.” A humorless laugh followed the last sentence of Seungmin’s words. Chills ran down Hyunjin’s spine as he stood, his posture caving in on itself, his shoulders going slack with exhaustion. His hand was brought to his face as he attempted to wipe his stress away.

In the beginning, it had been a mistake. Hyunjin flirted, and he realized he had, but he didn’t want to stop. It wasn’t innocent glances, it was lust-filled gazes and promises for evenings alone. Evenings that didn’t include his actual boyfriend at all. The elder never wanted to hurt Seungmin, truly, but knew he would in the end but couldn’t stop himself from going along with all the dirty things he did. Their relationship had reached a point where he felt the two of them didn’t quite know what they wanted anymore, if they even needed each other anymore. In some ways, this was the scapegoat for Hyunjin to break up with Seungmin without having to do it over Sunday brunch at some obscure diner. This way was easier. It was selfish, incredibly so, and Hyunjin hated himself for knowing it.

“It wasn’t a mistake, Seungmin. You’re right,” The elder’s voice was hoarse, as if he had been yelling for a long time. The younger knew he hadn’t been crying at all, as his eyes were dry and completely white. His skin was smooth, no puffiness to be found. There was no true sadness or remorse, at least not for Seungmin to see. For some reason, Hyunjin’s words seemed to hurt in a way he didn’t expect; Seungmin had said those exact words, yet to have them repeated to him by the man he loved so dearly seared into his memory and made him want to vomit. “It wasn’t your fault, Seungmin. Know that, please. I… what I did was unforgiveable but it was my decision and it wasn’t because of you.” Hyunjin tried to step forward, only to have the other step back, shaking his head. He understood. Boundaries were being set in this very moment, and they were not to be broken.

“You… you are so right, Hyunjin. This wasn’t me. I was a great boyfriend. I was kind, I cared just the right amount for you, even more. I talked to you about everything, even the littlest things you were afraid to talk about, I brought those up so _you_ would feel better. I was so selfless, even I’m shocked at myself. So yeah, Hwang Hyunjin, this one’s all on _you._ I—” Seungmin choked as he began to speak again, tears spilling over his eyes onto his cheeks. Is this was the sky felt like in that moment? His body broke, split completely in half, his sense fleeing his mind completely. A broken sob followed his next words, and he chose them very carefully. “I remembered every anniversary, every special date. I invited your parents to visit us when _you_ were missing them, and I did all of that because goddamn it, for some fucking reason, I loved you. Probably more than myself, which is why I’m standing here crying in front of you while you’re all composed and uncaring. This is your _fault_! Take some responsibility! Don’t just stand there and apologize, pack up your shit and _get out_! I was always there. I was _the_ one, Hyunjin. And you just lost that. But at least I saved myself a hell of a lot of heartache, huh?” Seungmin cursed and yelled, his voice booming just like the thunder that shook the building.

Hyunjin flinched every single time the younger swore, the words foreign to the elder’s ears. He assumed he would be the one being kicked out, but also thought his now ex-boyfriend would stay with one of his friends. Maybe that was selfish of him to think, too. The last words Seungmin spoke burned into Hyunjin’s skin like a mark, branding him a dirty, selfish cheater that ruined his relationship with probably the best guy in the world. All because he didn’t just want to say the words, “ _We need to break up. It’s not healthy for me anymore_ ”, which would’ve saved them both this entire nightmare. And Seungmin read that from him like he was a book. Biting his tongue, Hyunjin just shook his head.

“God, Seungmin. I was terrified _because_ you’re so perfect; it scared me to death. I was afraid I was always letting you down, always second guessing myself. But I saw how happy you were with me, and in the beginning I loved you so much. I couldn’t keep doing that to myself, though. Every time you talked to me about something, I always felt like I was burdening you, or like I was your psych patient. We communicated a lot, but about the wrong things. And that’s on me, completely. You tried so hard, Seungmin, way too hard for me. I was scared to break up with you, so I took the easy out, which just ended up hurting you even more. All I can do now is say sorry and get out of your life, if that’s what you want,” Hyunjin explained after a few moments of silence, his words almost sounding rehearsed but hesitant, like he didn’t want to share them. Seungmin looked like a kicked puppy, his tears continuing to overflow, his sniffling being covered by the sleeve of his sweater as he attempted to compose himself. “This isn’t me blaming you, please don’t think that. I let my own insecurities govern our relationship, and that was wrong of me. You did everything right.” Hyunjin murmured, his shoulders sagging even lower than they were before.

  
  
Seungmin just shook his head, hiccupping a little bit as he continued to try to dry his tears. It still felt hard to breathe, and even though he was crying, his body felt numb. For some reason, the numbness hurt more. “You never loved me, Hyunjin. Stop it. You loved the idea of me. Some innocent college kid who has never been in a serious relationship and was still a virgin. God, I let you take that from me!” Seungmin pulled at his hair, attempting desperately to control his erratic breathing, but failing. His thoughts spiraled in his brain. Finally, everything seemed to reach an eerie state of calmness that not even the bright flash of lightning or boom of thunder could disrupt. Not even the pouring rain. “Get out, Hyunjin. You don’t get to be the destroyed, broken, sad one here. That’s me, and that will be me _without_ you. So kindly pack your things, do try to be thorough, and _get the fuck out._ ” His voice never wavered, never shook or broke as he stared his former boyfriend in the eyes, determination set in Seungmin’s brows as he forced the guilt to swallow Hyunjin whole. The elder silently bowed away and began packing his things, hiding away in their once shared room.

When he was gone, Seungmin’s world seemed to tilt on its axis as he stumbled slightly, trying to regain balance. His head pounded heavily, like a nail was being hammered into it. The crushing weight crumbled off his shoulders. Feeling around his eyes, he could already sense the puffy redness start to form due to his sobbing. For now, he was future Seungmin. He was the Seungmin who would answer all the questions past him had to ask, and he would do so with a calm mind and all alone, because alone seemed to be best. Deep inside him, something shifted, and whether it was good or bad was still to be determined, but the newly found optimist that was trying to peak out from the crushing sadness decided it was good. It got easier to breathe, and the rain didn’t seem so loud anymore.

The thunder subsided and the lightning retreated back into the clouds. The sun didn’t shine yet, but Seungmin didn’t expect that to happen for a while. Not until it was ready, and the rain was ready to go, too. For now, all Seungmin would do is take all the pictures down from the door as Hyunjin watches him, suitcase in hand. He wouldn’t whisper so much as a goodbye to him as his chapter closed, walking out the door. He would cut his past out of all the photos he had, and keep him and his friends. Those were the only memories he wanted to keep.

Seungmin decided to count this as a learning experience; he would grow and reflect on the moments him and Hyunjin shared, but he wouldn’t dwell on them. He would keep being a kind person, albeit more reserved, and he wouldn’t open up as quickly to people. He would be a little more rude and a lot more stubborn, but it would all be with a hidden layer of compassion. And he would do so not because of Hyunjin but because that is who future Seungmin was. Someone who grew, and knew how to deal with pain correctly. He wouldn’t feel like his lungs were being stuffed with styrofoam, instead he would breathe deeply and evenly.

Instead of waiting for the rain to swallow him whole, he would role with the sunshine and take everything in stride. And he would do so not because of his past grievances, but because Seungmin is a happy person, truly and absolutely. It took him a while to realize that he was enough for himself, and that’s all he really needed to be enough for. Future Seungmin was the best version of Seungmin he could be. For now, the present Seungmin that sat on his couch, his legs now folded neatly under him as he clutched a mug of tea, staring out the window, would focus on his sadness. He would cry, and he would be weak. And that’s ok. Seungmin was strong being weak, and he grew from it. To learn and grow is to experience and live through grief in all forms it may present itself in. Knowing to let it run its course and not dwell on it is what Seungmin learned, for he would not shed any extra tears for those who do not deserve it. Hwang Hyunjin fit that mold perfectly, filling out even the tiniest of crevices. The soft sounds of the rain drowned out Seungmin’s sadness for now, the calmness washing over his body as if he was being baptized. He basked in the darkness of it all and closed his tired eyes, setting his tea aside as he laid his down for a much needed rest.


End file.
